What Most People Want Others to Know About Their Experience with ADHD

Today, I came upon this article, 9 Things People with ADHD Want You to Know, published on Amen Clinics’ website. Being an adult experiencing ADHD, I thought I’d weigh in on these nine things with my own take on these truths.

1. Telling someone with ADHD to try harder makes things worse.

“When people with ADHD concentrate, blood flow to the prefrontal cortex decreases, worsening concentration. ADHD is not a failure of willpower; it’s a neurological condition. Living successfully with ADHD is not about “trying harder” but rather a process of optimizing the brain and adjusting habits, environment, and structure.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. I’ve seen this in action and have experienced it myself. While this didn’t seem as much of a problem for me when I was growing up, it has definitely been a problem for me as an adult. External pressures to do better, be faster, etc., all create moments where I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything, at least not effectively. As a child and young adult, where school was a daily focus and concentration on things I didn’t even like was occurring regularly, I think I managed this task more easily. Now, as an older adult, while I definitely have hyper-focus and can concentrate for long periods of time, when I try to be purposeful with my concentration, I sometimes get stuck. I’ve learned a lot about the brain and stress, which has also helped me manage my approach and understand what is happening in my brain. I often use self-calming and breathing techniques to help me gain the focus and concentration I need.

2. They aren’t necessarily lazy or procrastinating; they don’t know where to start.

“People with ADHD have brains that work differently than those who don’t have the condition and are different from lazy people. They tend to struggle with planning and doing parts of a task in order. Tasks in the neurotypical world have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Individuals with ADHD have trouble prioritizing, so they don’t know where and how to start.

That’s why complex projects can be very challenging for those with ADHD. They do better when receiving assignments in chunks or a series of smaller assignments, especially on longer projects.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

I agree with the insight that individuals with ADHD struggle with starting tasks, but there is so much more to unpack. This situation is definitely not due to laziness but because our ADHD brains operate differently. It's not just about planning; it involves navigating through the abundance of ideas and options our minds generate. I procrastinate the prioritization of tasks and often go for the ones that are simpler, delaying more challenging ones that require clearing mental clutter. The difficulty lies in getting past the initial resistance and focusing on prioritizing and tackling tasks head-on. The adult part of my brain often takes charge, pushing me to address challenging tasks, especially when deadlines loom, but this is definitely an issue to which I can relate. Using tools like calendars and alarms and talking to people who have asked for the task to be completed or who will be affected by the completion of the tasks help me prioritize and move things to more urgent and become less likely to procrastinate.

3. Having ADHD is exhausting.

“Those with ADHD have to work extra hard to stay organized and get things done as they have a million things going on in their mind at once. It’s a moment-to-moment struggle of the brain needing to do mundane tasks yet wanting to avoid them while it monitors the environment for higher stimulation. This continuous inner negotiation is exhausting. All this behind-the-scenes tug-of-war makes self-regulation difficult.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

Absolutely! And what’s even worse is that although ADHD brains thrive where things are organized, getting organized when experiencing ADHD is often like climbing Mount Everest. The overwhelming nature of organizing and categorizing items can lead to procrastination, causing objects to pile up. These piles might represent delayed decision-making or a struggle to break down tasks into manageable steps. Living with ADHD is a perpetual balancing act. Contending with the constant whirlwind of thoughts, a need to stay organized, and the internal struggle to focus on mundane tasks while craving higher stimulation creates an exhausting moment-to-moment battle. Understanding the mental fatigue associated with ADHD is crucial for fostering empathy and support. When I have been in careers that require a significant amount of organization but that came with very little support or structure, I’ve tended to be more prone to burnout symptoms. Choosing careers and jobs where I can problem-solve and find solutions and where I don’t have to complete mundane tasks has been really helpful in being less prone to burnout.

4. Focus isn’t the problem.

“ADHD is not about a focus problem. It’s about focusing on too many things at once. ADHD is not necessarily a deficit of attention but rather a problem regulating one’s attention span to the desired task. So, while mundane tasks may be difficult to focus on, others may be completely absorbing. ADHD people can hyperfocus when interested.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

This is absolutely true. My ADHD brain can generate zillions of ideas about all sorts of things. I often think about situations and problems while doing other things, and when I have too many things to focus on simultaneously, I struggle to set some of the tasks and problem idea generation aside to focus on the most important ones. Over the years, I’ve learned to write down the things I am worried I’ll forget, the things that keep fighting for attention. This has allowed me to focus on the task at hand, get the sleep I need, and be more thoughtful in my approach.

5. They don’t mean to be rude.

“Brain imaging research shows that ADHD is associated with low activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for forethought, focus, and executive function. Thus, it is characterized by poor impulse control. People with ADHD may blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, even if it is unkind.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

Well…. I’d love to say that I never regret anything I say, and I always think before speaking. But that would be untrue. I’ve learned to slow down and acknowledge others, but this is definitely a work in progress. It’s easy to let hyper-focus on the problem or task at hand take over. When this occurs, I’m less likely to acknowledge people in a friendly manner. It’s business, and I’m focused; they either have the answer I need or don’t. So, how do I manage this? This is probably the hardest for me to manage. I can assess my world, work relationships and friendships in quiet times. I’m more likely to acknowledge people and to reach out to colleagues and friends. The problem is that they may be caught in their own frustration with me from the last time we spoke, especially if I was short and abrupt. I don’t remember this; you can imagine they don’t feel all that valued and appreciated. Luckily, I can moderate my general day-to-day conversation, which goes a long way to building a habit of better conversation when I’m focused and problem-solving.

One thing that I often use is a quote from Rumi. This quote slows me down and helps me measure my words to ensure they are thoughtful and appropriate.

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:

1. Is it true?

2. Is it necessary?

3. Is it kind?

Rumi

This simple quote reminds me to think before I speak, contributes to more positive and harmonious interactions, and helps me avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, and the unintentional spread of negativity. It promotes mindful communication, where words are chosen carefully, and the impact on others is considered before expressing oneself.

6. ADHD is not a joke.

“A lighthearted joke about ADHD may be well-intentioned, but it overlooks the severity of the disorder. It’s particularly dismissive of the complex, debilitating, very real disorder that ADHD is. The truth is that ADHD can be devastating.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

This is an interesting one. Do you know how often I’ve gone off track in conversations and situations? How many times I’ve lost track of my thoughts? If I had a dollar for every time someone has laughed and said “squirrel,” I’d be rich. Everyone responds to jokes and teasing in different ways. It’s never really bothered me. However, I also didn’t grow up with a “label.” The ADHD label is recent and provides lots of insight into the whys of my ways and the choices I make. I’ve had a lot of “Oh, that’s why” moments and lots of moments where I’ve felt proud of the coping skills and strategies I use daily. My diagnosis wasn’t when I was young, and it certainly hasn’t been a hindrance or burden. However, I know many who struggle with their diagnosis. It has labelled them throughout their lives, often without providing good solutions. Their label made them feel less than. Joking about their ADHD adds to that feeling.

7. It can affect physical intimacy.

“Research suggests that roughly 40% of men and women with ADHD will have sexual problems. Lack of focus is a symptom of ADHD. In some cases, that lack of focus can make achieving orgasm more difficult.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

Honestly, I almost removed this point. I was late diagnosed and do not have a partner at this time. I really can’t speak to this in a thoughtful manner, and it isn’t something that has come up in discussions with those I know who experience ADHD. I obviously need to learn more, but I think the place to start is with open communication and understanding, as these are essential for navigating these challenges within intimate relationships.

8. ADHD isn’t all bad.

“People with ADHD often are high in energy, enthusiastic, full of ideas, and creative, and they often have bursts of energy! They are also spontaneous, adventurous, willing to take risks, and have out-of-the-box thinking.

There’s truly no deficit in people with ADHD. Brain differences are normal. The 90% of non-ADHD people in the world referred to as “neurotypical” does not mean they are “normal” or better. Their neurology is simply more accepted and endorsed by the world.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

When I began this journey at ADHD Women Empowered, my goal was to learn more about ADHD and to share that knowledge. One of the first things I did was write an ebook, Unlock Your Potential: A Woman’s Guide to the Dynamics of the ADHD Brain, that explores the science of ADHD and the dynamics of the ADHD brain. A good friend gave me feedback. She asked me, “What about the good things that come with ADHD?” Her reminder inspired the second ebook, almost twice as long, The Vibrant Mind: A Woman’s Guide to Embracing ADHD’s Gifts. Writing and researching for this book was joyful. The strengths that those of us experiencing ADHD are blessed with are multifaceted and significant. Take some time to learn about these strengths. Lead with them, nurture them, and use them!

9. ADHD isn’t just one thing.

“Thanks to brain SPECT imaging, Amen Clinics has identified seven types of ADHD. Surprisingly, some of them do not involve hyperactivity at all.” (Amen Clinic)

My Take:

I don’t have access to brain SPECT imaging or the knowledge that Dr. Amen and his colleagues have. What I do know is that ADHD looks different for everyone. We don’t all have every symptom or every strength. People experiencing ADHD will tell you that how it presents for them is as different as their personalities. Yes, there are commonalities in symptoms with others experiencing ADHD, but you can’t place everyone experiencing ADHD in the same box. Our histories, school supports or lack thereof, our personalities, and so many other factors impact how ADHD presents in us.

Follow this advice:

Ask the person with ADHD in your life what they’d like you to know about their ADHD. You’ll likely gain a new understanding!

Lisa